Where Can I Lodge a Complaint?

I am a big believer in positive psychology.

If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, positive psychology centers on how people can live happier, more fulfilling lives, whereas most other traditional branches of psychology tend to focus on problems and dysfunction. 

Taking a look at what I generally share with you, you will see I trend towards the major topics covered by positive psychology, including character strengths, gratitude, hope, mindfulness and resilience.

In my own personal growth and development, I have experienced both traditional and non-traditional methods of working through the ups and downs of life. I have found, for myself, focusing on the positive has allowed me to make more sustainable change over time, which has led me to live a life that feels in alignment with my core values.

I meditate, practice mindfulness and take part in many things that help me keep a positive outlook, even during challenging and stressful times.

Now, I do also feel the full depth and breadth of my emotions. To quote my mentor, Kate Swoboda, I don’t “throw glitter on poop” just to make myself feel better. If something is painful, I sit in the pain. I allow myself to process it and work through it. And, I eventually work my way back to my forward-looking growth mindset which is associated with positive psychology. 

Mind you, I was not born this way. I struggled to get myself there from a place where I used complaining as a way to fit in, to feel accepted and part of a group. 

If you look at your social media streams or listen to any group of people for long enough, you may start to notice that complaining is something of an international pastime (although, it does seem to be most prevalent in the US). When people voice their frustrations in this way, it is both helpful (a form of release) and hurtful (encourages on-going negativity).

Let’s take a look at an example.

Sharon has been really bothered by the noises her husband makes at night when she’s trying to sleep. She is out to dinner with her friend, Marjorie, who listens while Sharon is blowing off steam. Marjorie listens, although isn’t able to give any helpful advice to Sharon as she is focused on her own frustrations with her teenager. She complains to Sharon about how he’s been “mouthing off” and is being a “real jerk lately.” They both feel heard and validated by this shared encounter.

Sharon, who has older children, suggests that Marjorie take steps to nip the behavior in the bud. She’s able to give real-world examples of what worked for her when her son went through that same phase. Marjorie now has some ideas she hadn’t thought of before to help her work through this problem. Sharon’s perspective was great, since she wasn’t able to see the situation from further away. 

Sharon and Marjorie agree to have regular dinners together so they can support one another with the struggles they’ve each been going through. 

So far, complaining looks like a great option to solve problems, give and receive empathy, and to feel a deeper sense of community and connection. 

Let’s fast forward three months from that first dinner.

Sharon is now sleeping in the spare bedroom because she is so fed up with her husband’s weird nocturnal noises, and Marjorie’s situation isn’t much better. Their entire conversation is one complaint after another. 

• Sharon’s boss is ridiculous. 

• Marjorie cannot deal with her mother-in-law one second longer.

• Sharon is so tired of her neighbors storing their bikes on their front porch.

• Marjorie thinks the city manager must be on drugs - when will they ever fix that stop light at Main Street?

• Sharon is tired of being such an awful sister.

• Marjorie wonders how Sharon can be so negative all the time. Doesn’t she see how lucky she is?

• On… and on… and on.

What started out as two friends commiserating and supporting each other turned into a pessimistic outlook for both of them. They are each struggling to see the good in themselves, each other and the world around them. 

What went wrong? 

Sharon and Marjorie focused their relationship on sharing the negative that was happening in their lives. They rarely talked about things they were grateful for. Neither of them had access to, nor shared ways to focus on how a positive outlook could help support them. Instead, they focused on complaining and releasing all that pent-up frustration they both carried around inside of them. 

Research shows that attitudes are like habits - once we get used to thinking a certain way, that becomes our automatic outlook. In addition, certain relationships - like Sharon and Marjorie’s - can inadvertently create a default language of negativity and pessimism. When you see, talk with or think of that individual (or group), you automatically return to your default outlook. 

So, is it healthy or even possible to lodge a complaint without it becoming a habit? 

Of course it is. We all need to release the emotions that build up inside of us. When we don’t, we all know what happens. There are a myriad of ways to do that - and complaining is a valid one, when done in small doses.

If I were to make a suggestion to Sharon and Marjorie, it would be to start each dinner conversation they have with each other with a gratitude check-in. Or, ask each other to share one celebration or good thing that happened since the last time they talked. This starts to build a new habitual outlook for the relationship, and for each of its participants.

This is also a great way to start a meeting, setting it off with a positive, productive tone. By helping your staff re-align to a more positive outlook from the start allows them to be more engaged, less likely to complain, which leads to more creativity, innovation and higher levels of problem solving. 

Now it’s your turn. Where can you see adding a little more positivity into your life?

If you would like to take a step in this direction, please join me for a free 5-day Gratitude Challenge starting February 7th.