Working Through the Worries

Since our last posting, a lot has happened in the world. COVID-19 is not only what we’re all talking about, it’s on everybody’s mind. I want to start by saying that I’m not a psychotherapist, a doctor, or a scientist.

This purpose of this post, and as the blog as a whole, is to share how Izzy and I are talking through some pretty scary, tough stuff. And most importantly, how we are reminding ourselves and each other how to stay focused on how we want to consciously show up in this world.

Several years ago, when Izzy was about 5 or 6 years old, I started asking her two questions as we shut off the light each night at bedtime:

• What gratitude do you have today?

• What did you bring into the world today?

The first question is fairly obvious in it’s intent. To tap into gratitude on a daily basis. The second is to help her identify affirming statements for herself. As she has gotten older, we added in two more questions to help her process the day and help release any stuck thoughts that may keep her from getting a good night’s sleep.

• What is your do-over for the day, either because it was so awesome you just want to do it again, or because it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, and you would like a chance at trying it again in a different way?

• What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?

Very often, these questions lead to interesting conversations that have nothing to do with her answers. It’s fascinating to me that the simple process of focusing on feelings, thoughts, and emotions in a quiet setting can bring up things from days, weeks, and sometimes even months before.

Since we will not be having many car talks in the coming weeks, we will be shifting our theme from Car Talks with Mama to Bedtime Talks with Mama.

Here is an excerpt from a discussion we had earlier this week, which organically led to a brief discussion about dealing with anger and worries.

Mama: So, Izz, what attitude of gratitude do you have from today?

Izzy: For music to dance to (proceeding to flop around, bed dancing)

Mama: Anything else?

Izzy: For all the workers that are still working right now, like you and Daddy. 

Mama: And, what did you bring into the world today?

Izzy: Funniness

Mama: Yes, you did. Anything else?

Izzy: Hope

Mama: Hope? For what are you hopeful?

Izzy: That I will get to go back to school soon.

Mama: And what are you looking forward to when you go back to school?

Izzy: Seeing all my friends, in person, again.

Mama: Yeah, I get that. That’s important. Anything else.

Izzy: Nope. Not really.

Mama: Okay, so, what’s your do-over for today - either because it was awesome, or because it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to and you want to try it again?

Izzy: Doing the Just Dance videos. (starting to bed-dance, again)

Mama: And what are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Izzy: Connecting with my homeschool group on video.

Mama: Yeah, they’re a good group.

Izzy: Yup. Hey, can we do gym morning routine tomorrow?

Mama: Tomorrow? How do you want to do that?

Izzy: Build an obstacle course.

Mama: Can we do that on Wednesday, when you have a no screens day?

Izzy: Oh yeah! Tomorrow’s not Wednesday, yes. That would be good.

Mama: Great. Let’s do that on Wednesday. What else?

Izzy: Sometimes, I feel bad when I think about something for a few days that I want to tell you, but I’m scared to tell you.

Mama: I get that. Do you worry about your emotions?

Izzy: No. I worry about yours.

Mama: What do you think would happen if you tell me something you think I won’t like?

Izzy: That you’ll get mad. And sometimes when you get mad, let me show you (moves to the end of the bed and hulks over like a big scary monster). Sometimes, you are like this big scary monster, and I feel like a little mouse.

Mama: That does sound scary. Do you know how I feel when you’re yelling at me?

Izzy: Um, no.

Mama: Sometimes I get so scared that you’re going to whirl and whirl and whirl and get angrier and angrier, and then I just want to put up a big wall to hide behind. Then I see you, and I just want to open up the wall and let you in and give you a big hug and keep you safe and make everything okay.

Izzy: Oh. Yeah. I guess maybe because we don’t get mad at each other very often, it seems like it’s a pretty big, scary thing when we do.

Mama: I would agree. (Mama starts to roll off the side of the bed) Uh oh! Woah!

Izzy: No you don’t! Not on my watch! (both Izzy and Mama giggle and hug each other)

Mama: So, about these worries, when you want to tell me something you think I may not like. I have a question for you.

Izzy: Yeah?

Mama: When have I ever gotten mad when you’ve come to tell me something, even if it’s for behavior I wouldn’t want you to do?

Izzy: Never.

Mama: So, what are the chances I will get mad at you when you come talk to me about a mistake you’ve made?

Izzy: Like, one in one hundred. Not going to happen.

Mama: Nope. Not likely to happen. So, what do you think you could do to let go of that worry?

Izzy: Oh! I can put it in a box. This worry of mine is a friend of mine, so I don’t want to make it go away, but I can get the box from up on the shelf, put blankets and pillows and other lovely things in the box. Then, put the worry in the box, make sure it’s comfortable. Then, put the lid on it and put it up on the shelf. 

Mama: And, does that help?

Izzy: Yup. It’s good. 

Mama: Good. (silence as Izzy strokes Mama’s hair)

Izzy: Are you asleep?

Mama: Mmmpfermf 

Izzy: Close?

Mama: Yup.

Izzy: Me too.

Mama: Really?

Izzy: Yup.

Mama: Mmpferfm

Izzy: I love you.

Mama: I love you, too.