Free to be you… and me.
I’m probably dating myself here, but my favorite album growing up was Free to Be… You & Me by Marlo Thomas & Friends. It was filled with songs of empowerment and questioning the status quo. It made it okay to be who you were, regardless of what society said you “should” be, based on, particularly when it came to gender stereotypes. It’s pretty amazing how relevant it still is, and how it’s continuing to be updated to expand the inclusive message it started sharing over 45 years ago.
And yet, even though as mommies and daddies we can now sing along with a different knowledge than we had when we were 5-years-old, many of us have missed a key component of the message. You are free to be whoever you are.
You are free to be yourself.
That concept of self is what I think so many people have lost over the years. Sure, you may know your favorite shows on Netflix, which way you prefer the toilet paper to be placed on the spindle, and how you take your coffee or tea… but how well do you really know yourself?
I’m talking about the deep down, nitty gritty bits of yourself. The parts that don’t show up on a personality test.
Here’s what I can tell you about myself that I learned from someone else’s assessment of me.
I’m an INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perception).
My top Clifton strengths are Strategic, Futuristic, Positivity, Ideation and Empathy.
My VIA Character Strengths are Curiosity, Appreciation of Beauty in the World, Kindness, Perspective and Love.
I am an Enneagram 2 (the supportive advisor).
In Human Design I’m a Manifesting Generator.
I’m a double Pisces (because being a single one isn’t Pisces enough for me!).
Do I feel all of that aligns with who I am? Sure. I can see how it plays out in my life and how these traits are important to me.
But, these are merely data points. They don’t tell the whole story of me. They don’t define my being.
What does define me is, well, me. I define me. Just like you define you.
Each day we wake up and we have a day filled with choices ahead of us. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like we’re in choice, but we always are.
You choose what time to wake up. You choose to exercise, eat breakfast, meditate. You choose to shower. You choose to take your kiddos to school. You choose to continue to do the work you’re doing. You choose to stay with the person you’re coupled with. You choose what to eat and wear. You choose when to sleep or stay awake.
And yet, my guess is you spend a lot of time not making these decisions consciously. You just do them.
At one point, sure, you made the decision. Now, it's a habit. The way you take your coffee. The route you take to walk your dog. The side of the bed you sleep on.
Habits aren’t bad, mind you. They make life a heck of a lot easier. Can you imagine stopping to make a conscious decision for each thing you do every day? It would be exhausting - fascinating, but exhausting.
So, you have these habits that at one point or another were possibly choices you made. Do you know why you made them? Are they still serving you? Or, is there something else that might serve you better?
Let’s take the example of work or career.
I have a client whom we’ll call Zelda (not her real name). She had worked for the same company for over 15 years. She started right out of college. Over time, she had changed departments, taken on more responsibility, and had been promoted to a senior manager level. Each day, she went to work and, for the most part, she enjoyed the people she worked with. She liked the work she was doing. And yet, something felt like it was missing. She couldn’t put her finger on it. Was she bored? Should she go for another promotion she heard might be available? Meh. Maybe.
“I mean, what else would I do?” she asked.
When I asked her what else she might like to do, she was stymied. She didn’t seem to understand the question. This is her work. It’s what she does, she tells me.
“Tell me something that gets you fired up about what you do,” I asked her.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I mean, every now and then I get asked to help out on a sales call because I’ve been at this job for so long and I know our products really well. I like meeting with the customers, but that’s not what I do in my role, day-to-day. I’m behind the scenes.”
When I asked her if she had ever considered going into sales, either at her company or somewhere else it was a flat out “No. I don’t have the experience.”
Now, I remind you, this is a woman who had worked at the same company for over 15 years. She was on the R&D side of things and wanted more customer facing time. She could talk circles around the salespeople about the benefits of their products. She knew the ins and outs like the back of her hand.
But, she had habituated herself to believe that because she had never “done sales” she wasn’t experienced enough to consider that as an option.
As we dove deeper into her core values and what makes her tick, developing relationships was a recurring theme. However, what she was doing on a day-to-day basis wasn’t about building and nurturing relationships. No wonder she didn’t know what to do next, because her true self wasn’t being nurtured.
Zelda had lost connection with her true self. She had been on autopilot for so long, she wasn’t able to see what she might truly want out of life. As she was approaching middle-age, she was becoming more complacent and yet there was something tickling the back of her brain saying something wasn’t quite right.
That tickling was her true self trying to get her attention.
As we continued to work together, Zelda grew her relationship with her true self. She began to understand where her values were at this point in her life, and began to think about what she might want the next chapter in her life to look like.
Spoiler alert… It involved taking a leap of faith in herself and going into sales, where she is lit up on a daily basis.
So, when you hear that you are free to be yourself, do you know what that means? Do you know how to authentically and autonomously identify what you want in your life at this moment and moving forward? Or, are you looking to others for the answer? Do you rely on your habits to get you through, believing that someday you will have the time to figure it out?
What are you waiting for? What could be different if today you took a left instead of the right at the intersection? What is possible if you stop to listen to your intuition instead of falling back into the groove of habit?
For me, my life and work has taken on more meaning than I could have ever imagined. For Zelda, she has more zest and excitement than she ever thought possible.
Here are some ways to get you started on reconnecting with your true self:
1 - Slow Down
We live in a world in which faster is better and gains the most rewards. And yet, when we take the time to slow down and check in with ourselves, we find we are often chasing things that really don’t matter to us. The next time you feel a little bit of tightening in your chest, shallow breathing or other signs of anxiety to get things done, simply place your hands over your heart and take in a big, deep breath through your nose. Hold it for a second or two, then let it out in a big sigh out of your mouth. Do this a few more times, until that feeling passes. Then, sit down. Or close your eyes. Just stop for a second after you’ve caught your breath. In most cases, unless you are in a life or death situation, whatever it is that’s waiting for you will survive if you give it a second. Even your kiddo that’s waiting for you to pick them up. They will be okay if you’re a few minutes late. Simply apologize and move on. It’s a learning opportunity for both of you.
2 - Be Silent
It’s really hard to hear your true self when there is a constant barrage of thoughts, input and external pressures on you. The best way I know to combat this is to take time throughout the day for moments of silence. This can be within a time of meditation, or as simple as turning off your computer screen, silencing your phone, and sitting at your desk or in your favorite chair and just listening to yourself. Let whatever comes up freely pass through your mind. Treat it as a casual observer and try not to react to what you hear. Sometimes it won’t be kind. Sometimes it won’t make sense. It doesn’t matter. Just allow yourself to process your thoughts and feelings in the privacy of your own moment. The more you practice being in silence with yourself, the more you will be able to discern when your true self is speaking to you. It is from that place you will be able to make the decisions that matter most to and for you.
3 - Embrace Your Autonomy
We have been taught that being autonomous is synonymous with selfishness and being uncaring. However, no matter how close and bonded you are with someone, there is only one person living the totality of your life experiences - you. So, when you feel pulled to ask for one more opinion, read one more list of ways to improve such-and-such or drop a ton of money on someone else’s quick fix, keep in mind all of the answers you need are within you. Yes, of course, learning and educating yourself in certain areas is a wonderful thing to do. And, when it comes to making decisions for yourself and your business, only you have those answers. No one else has your exact experiences. No one else has your exact knowledge. No one else knows your values the way you do. This is your life. This is your business or career. Give yourself permission to take responsibility for them both and allow yourself the opportunity to grow to your full potential - on your terms.
Take a minute and check in with yourself.
What steps will you take to allow yourself the freedom to bring more of you into your life and work?
If you have started this work, I’d love to hear from you. Tell me your story. I’d love to learn how this is unfolding for you.
Or, if you’re just getting started, let me know how I can help support you on your journey. It’s always more powerful (and fun) to take those steps together.
