The Gift of Receiving
A common thread I hear with my clients is, “I’m not good at accepting help.” I get it. I used to be that way, too. Accepting help can be hard… really hard. It can touch all of our vulnerable spots, leaving us feeling less than, inadequate, and even like a failure.
When, or rather if, the thought of someone else helping us comes into mind, we are often bludgeoned by thoughts about how we are a burden, something’s wrong with us because we can’t “hack it”, or we start questioning what the other person must be thinking about us (i.e. we assume they’re judging us and our capabilities).
And yet, when someone else is in need of assistance - whether they know or not - I bet you’re more than willing to help. So why is it that being on the receiving end can leave you feeling squirmy, awkward, uncomfortable or indebted?
Many of us grew up learning about the importance of serving others. We internalized the adage of “It is better to give than to receive.” The act of giving feels good - for both the giver and the receiver. It has an incredibly powerful effect on relationships and studies have even shown that giving can actually boost one’s physical and mental health.
And yet, the reciprocal act of receiving is equally as important as its counterpart. And many of us are only playing one side of the game, not giving others the gift of accepting their help.
Here’s an example from my own life.
I remember, when I was in law school, I was taking part in a study group made up of three other individuals and myself. They were kind enough to work around my schedule, which included not only school, but a full-time job, a spouse and a step-child. Because I so deeply appreciated their kindness with scheduling, I always brought along snacks. One night, one of the other group members offered to bring snacks the next time. I politely said it was okay, that I was happy to keep providing them. She insisted. I insisted. While I appreciated her offer, I felt guilty enough as it was that they had worked around my scheduling needs, so I felt it was the polite thing to do. We continued on for the remainder of the semester as we had been, and the issue never came back up.
Until nearly 10 years later, when I was having dinner with that same friend from the study group. She point-blank asked me why I never let her provide snacks for the group. She had made up all sorts of stories in her mind about how I judged her taste in snacks and how I didn’t trust her. When I told her it was out of my own feelings of guilt, she was shocked. It never would have crossed her mind that I had anything to feel guilty about. I stated a need and people accommodated it.
What the conversation taught me was that I had denied my friend the opportunity to give. I had also denied myself the opportunity to receive from her and the others at the table. Had I done so, I would have opened up a chance for deeper connection in those relationships. Learning to be a gracious receiver is humbling and is an act of love in and of itself, because it offers a chance for others to give.
Receiving is not only about the receiver. It’s also about the giver. Imagine a well-intentioned person offering you something that you reject. How would that make them feel? Unappreciated? Awkward? Embarrassed?
Another way to think about this takes us back to the idea of being in your zone of genius that I talked about a couple of weeks ago. If you are in your zone of genius when you’re selling your widgets, and yet you struggle to come up with a marketing plan that works, why not give someone the opportunity to live into their zone of genius in marketing? You don’t need to be an expert at everything. By receiving help from someone else who has an expertise that is not yours is a huge gift to both of you. A serious win-win situation.
So why is it so hard to receive?
Sometimes it’s the fear of relinquishing control. When we give, we’re in control. When we receive, we become vulnerable.
Other times, it’s a fear of being selfish. Put others before ourselves. Consider their needs or desires first. However, receiving in and of itself does not make us selfish. It actually fosters a healthy dose of self worth which allows us to experience life’s pleasures. Receiving with humility and appreciation keeps us balanced.
Then there are those times when we feel like a burden or an imposition if someone is helping us in some way. And yet, in most cases, we ourselves don’t feel burdened when someone needs our assistance.
And what about those thoughts like “they’re just being nice” or “what do they really want from me?” By doubting that someone is genuinely offering assistance or has some kind of ulterior motive, we’re feeding our internal critics that don’t believe we are worthy or good enough to receive.
Whatever the reason that receiving may be hard for you, there are some ways you can start to become good at receiving. And, with practice and time, you will find yourself moving between giver and receiver on a regular basis, creating more meaningful connections in your relationships, a deeper sense of self worth, and greater happiness and fulfillment in your life and work.
1. Accept your self worth
To accept help, you have to let go of control and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not a weakness and neither is asking for help. In order to become okay with vulnerability, the first thing you need to do is accept the fact that you are worthy just as you are. As Brené Brown explains, "There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy."
2. Be grateful
Start a gratitude practice in which you acknowledge how thankful you are for the people in your life who care for you and give you support. Acknowledge the small ways you receive from other people each day: a smile, a gentle touch, a compliment, and feel the gratitude for those beautiful things you have in your life provided by others around you.
3. Practice receiving
You don’t have to wait for someone to give you help to practice receiving. Whenever you need help, just ask for it. Give others an opportunity to help you. If they aren’t the one, move on to someone else. Trust that the right person will be there to help you when you need it.
If everyone in the world was busy giving, there would be no one to receive. And, as we talked about before, you need both to have a fulfilling connection. Allowing yourself the opportunity to lean into the gift of receiving creates an endless loop of kindness, generosity and compassion. And couldn’t we all use a little more of that in our lives?
“The universe operates through dynamic exchange . . . giving and receiving are different aspects of the flow of energy in the universe. And in our willingness to give that which we seek, we keep the abundance of the universe circulating in our lives.”
