Three Things To Do When Fear Has It's Grips On You

For us to get closer to what we want out of life and work, we need to put a stop to the voices in our heads that keep us stuck in a place of fear.

Easier said than done, right? Well, that depends on how much you want your situation to change. 

Sometimes, staying in the place of fear feels comfortable. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. We get used to the voices. It’s easier to respond with inaction, hiding out or assuming we know the outcome before we even attempt taking action.

As I’ve talked about before, habits are those comfortable places where we don’t have to invest much energy. Fear can become a habit, just like anything else.

Think about it for a second. Which of the following phrases have you said to yourself in the past month? The past week? Yesterday? The last hour?

I’m “too much”.

I’m “not enough”.

I’m invisible.

I’m not being heard.

I’m not being seen for who I really am.

I’m alone.

I have to do this myself.

If I say no, they’ll be disappointed.

I have to say yes.

There’s no choice.

They’re going to reject me.

They’re judging me.

I can’t disappoint them.

I might fail.

I doubt I can do that.

I’ll get overwhelmed.

That’s too hard for me.

I don’t know how to start.

I’m such a failure.

I’m not successful.

When these thoughts go on rinse and repeat in our brains, we are habituating ourselves to believing we know the answers before we’ve asked the question. And those answers show up as can’t, won’t, should, what if, doubt, and don’t.

And it’s not just our thoughts that get affected. When fear takes over, we start to see it manifest itself in a range of ways. It distorts our reality and skews our perspective. It distracts us and keeps us from living into our true potential. It makes us feel stuck and confused.

You may have experienced fear showing up in your life through physical ailments (like back pain, heartburn or rashes), through mental discomforts (including anxiety, worry and depression), and through behavioral changes (such as angry outbursts, hiding out or through addictions). 

So what can we do about it when fear seems to have taken up residence in so many areas of our lives?

Acknowledge It

“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

The simple act of acknowledging that you’re experiencing fear is a great first step towards releasing the fear. Try taking out a piece of paper or your journal and write down your fears. It allows you to acknowledge it in a way that is external to yourself. By bringing awareness to it and bringing it into the open you start to gain some control. You now have an opportunity to do something about the fear. You no longer have to just listen to it and let it manifest itself in your life.

Redefine It

“Fear can be good when you're walking past an alley at night or when you need to check the locks on your doors before you go to bed, but it's not good when you have a goal and you're fearful of obstacles. We often get trapped by our fears, but anyone who has had success has failed before.”
~Queen Latifah

You start to redefine fear when you can be curious about it and ask it questions. Fear doesn’t like questions. It likes to be the one with the answers. So, start to ask it lots and lots of questions. Go down that rabbit hole it wants you to go down. And then, once you’re at the bottom of the rabbit hole (which will feel really, really crappy by the way), ask yourself what happens if the thing you’re afraid of happening doesn’t happen.

For example, I’m afraid I’m not going to get a job that fits my lifestyle. If I have to give up my lifestyle, I’m going to be miserable. If I’m miserable, I’m going to be a horrible mom. Ugh. Crappy, right? But then, you get to reframe it and give your brain another option. Start by saying: It’s possible I will get a job that fits my lifestyle. That will make me happy. When I’m happy, I’m a better partner and mom. My life is going to be great. Your brain now has an option to think about

Release It

“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.”
~Dorothy Thompson

This is where you feel the fear and do the thing anyway. You can choose to thank the fear for keeping you safe and let it know you’ve decided to do the thing it doesn’t want you to do. Then… do it. Stay in the moment. Stay present with yourself. Remind yourself, right here, right now, nothing is wrong. You’ve got this. And… do it. Release the fear and do the thing. That’s when the good and juicy bits of life come to play.

Will fear pop up again? Yes. Of course it will. You’re a human being and fear is a natural part of our lives. But, you also have choices on how to deal with the fear.

I like to remind my clients (and myself) that when I’m living in fear, I am choosing fear over myself. That is a pretty harsh reality that feels super duper uncomfortable. 

So, what do you choose? Fear? Or yourself?