Why Finding Yourself Is So Important

Like most weeks, I have been having so many wonderful conversations with some incredibly brilliant and talented women. However, I’ve noticed a theme in these conversations that is getting louder and louder.

These women show up feeling confused, out of sorts, overwhelmed, a bit depressed about where they are and a little anxious about what the future holds. They know something isn’t working in their lives - for most of them, honestly, it’s been work - and they know they want to change, but they feel lost and confused about the “how”.

How do they find something that feels good to them? That will bring them joy and fulfillment? They had something they thought was working for them, until it wasn’t. Now, they are afraid if they don’t get this “right” they will be failures in their lives.

Sound familiar? 

As I talk with them, I probe a little deeper. We start to uncover and understand the deeper fears that are at play here.

“I don’t know myself” tends to be the answer.

Sure, they know some of their likes and dislikes. They know what they’re good at and what they’re not. But what they feel like they're missing is a deep, meaningful understanding of their true selves.

It makes sense to me, actually.

When we don’t have that deep, meaningful connection with our truest selves, we are missing our compass point. We don’t know which direction to turn, and if we figure it out, it’s a struggle to trust we’ve made the right decision. 

In many ways, this is what people are talking about when they say they need to “find themselves.” 

Finding yourself, or knowing your truest self, allows you to continue moving forward, making progress in your life. It allows you to understand why you matter. It is a spot from which you can make decisions - big or small - without the need for external validation.

Without this sense of self, you will continue to measure yourself and your life by the standards of others. This is something that’s always shifting, always moving and will, frankly, leave you feeling like a failure. How can you ever live up to all those external expectations - from your partner, children, colleagues, boss, employees, friends, family and strangers in the social media world?! It’s exhausting just thinking about it!

And it’s that place of exhaustion that these women are coming from.

Your true self comes from inside of you. End of story. There is truly no more to say on that.

What I will add is that if it were easy, there wouldn't be a problem finding your true self. Everyone would do it. Bada bing, bada boom.

In truth, it’s a lot of work, a lot of intentionality, behind finding your true self. 

I use what I call the Being Statement to help define my true self (it’s also something I work on with my clients). It’s comprised of my values, ethics, mission, vision and strengths. It helps define who you are and why you matter - at the very core of your being - so you can show up in the world without constantly being batted about. 

Leaning into your Being Statement allows you to adapt well to change , stay true to your beliefs and convictions, stop feeling guilty when you say “no” or set a boundary, stop searching for external approval and take responsibility for your life.

Yes, it’s a monumental task to do this work. Mon-u-mental. But without it, where will you be? Exactly where so many other bodacious, brilliant women are right now… feeling lost, unsure and stuck.

I can hear you - “So, where do I get started?” I’m glad you asked!

Go on a treasure hunt

Start to uncover the parts of you that have been gathering dust. These are your stories (we all have ‘em), your truths, your experiences. Start by writing them down or using a voice recorder to capture them (then transcribe them so you can read them back to yourself). Listen to what comes up for you. What stories do you love to tell? What stories do you hope no one ever learns about? What stories do you wish never happened? Here’s the thing. They did happen. To you. They are part of you. If you deny yourself re-visiting all of your stories, you deny yourself the opportunity to rewrite the story the way you want.

For example, you grew up hearing women aren’t natural leaders. This is something you heard often in your family, but it has also played out in several different workplaces you’ve been in. Women aren’t natural leaders. You know deep down inside of you that’s BS. But, you also find yourself being passed over for promotions, questioning yourself as a leader within the organization and, in fact, wouldn’t use the word “leader” to describe yourself. It’s just uncomfortable to say that. And yet, your dream is to start your own firm. To be your own CEO. What do you think will happen if you don’t look at the story of “women not being natural leaders”? If you just kept pushing forward without first rewriting that thought for yourself? My guess is you’re going to keep pushing yourself in circles and not get to where you want to go.

Keep digging

After you’ve spent some time with your stories and thinking about which ones you might want to rewrite, it’s time to keep digging. Get more information about yourself. By learning more about how you operate and show up in the world, you’re able to make decisions that are in alignment with you, and not someone else. This can come in the form of values and strengths assessments, such as the VIA Character Analysis and the Clifton StrengthsFinder. There are also more “woo woo” ways of getting this information through Enneagram, Human Design and others. Find what works for you, that gives you the information you’re looking for to help you keep moving forward.

These assessments give you a wide variety of information. Each one a different data point that you can use as a guidepost - or decide it doesn’t fit with you. That’s okay too! But, as the ad says - “The more you know!”

Get support

Working through your stories and getting more information through the assessments leaves you with a bundle of information to sift through. Doing this work alone is a ginormous task. Whether it’s with a coach or a therapist, get some support for your journey of self inquiry. It helps by asking the tough questions you may be struggling with or refusing to face. It can also reflect back to you things you may not be able to see.

Your support person can also be a good centering place. As things come up, emotions and our inner critic can take over.

When you have a coach or a therapist to help you, you can be reminded that you are in process, you are not that story or thought, and you can move through it to the other side with greater ease.

The big takeaway

Here’s the big secret that no one seems to tell us… everything you need to know is already inside of you. Whatever decision you’re trying to make, start trusting yourself to have the answers… and your back. With practice, over time, you will learn to see you’re not going to let yourself down. And you’re going to be just fine.

All you need is a little help in discovering (or re-discovering) who you are and that you have had the answer all along. 

So what are you waiting for?