Finding Worthiness
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
Many of us struggle with self-worth. Not to be confused with self-esteem, which is based on external factors and is often at odds with your ability to feel your own worth, self-worth is about who you are, not what you do.
Busy-ness - or overfunctioning- is a common way we try to build our self-worth. We take on more and more, expecting it to help us feel more important, more needed, more worthy. In reality, all it does is make us feel more anxious, overwhelmed and like we’re never enough.
And those feelings feed on themselves. The more we do, the more overwhelmed we are. The more overwhelmed we are, the more we don’t feel like we’re enough. The more we don’t feel like we’re enough, the less worthy we feel. And so on and so on.
So how do we stop this cycle and find true worthiness in ourselves?
To begin, it’s important to understand what elements do not cultivate your self-worth. As I mentioned, these are the external factors that tend to develop your self-esteem, not your self-worth. They include:
Your job
Your social media following
Your to-do list
Your age
Your relationship status
Your money
Your accomplishments
Your abilities
Your physical appearance
Your likes and dislikes
Your things (clothing, furniture, cars, house, etc.)
What others think about you
A healthy sense of self-worth invites you to be you, without using any external factors as a measuring device. Your success and failures are welcomed into the mix. You are worthy regardless of the outcomes. You are worthy by the simple fact that you exist. This is nurtured through a deep sense of autonomy and acceptance of self. When you see yourself as a unique individual whose experiences are not like anyone else’s, you can start to see your own inherent worth within your life.
What’s getting in the way of developing your self-worth? Are there stories from your childhood which tell you that feeling worthy means you're arrogant or self-obsessed? Or are you afraid you’ll become complacent if you feel worthy? Or does worthiness just not feel possible?
Some of the questions I ask my clients to help sift through this are:
What would be possible if you knew you were worthy?
What would you stop doing if you already knew you were worthy?
What would you find the courage to do if you knew you were worthy?
Answering these questions starts to give you a vision of what life will be like when you feel worthy. Cultivating your self-worth is an ongoing practice.
Here are three ways you can start to nurture your self-worth immediately:
1 - Know Yourself Better
The first step on the path to self-worth is self-discovery. The better you know yourself, the easier it will be to feel worthy. Start this personal inventory not by looking at the external factors, but at the internal ones that are the core of your being. These include:
Your values
Your world view
Your mission in life
Bringing these ideas together is something I call your “Being Statement”. When you are able to clearly articulate the way you see the world, what’s important to you and your position within it, you create the compass for everything else to fall into place.
2 - Practice Self-Acceptance
Once you have a better idea of who you are, then you can start developing your self-acceptance. Some ways to start practicing self-acceptance include:
Embracing what makes you unique - it might be your smile, your sense of humor, the way you like to make your bed in the morning. Whatever sets you apart and makes you special is something that should be celebrated.
Releasing that which you cannot change - there are some things about you that you will not be able to change. Focusing on these keeps you in a state of non-acceptance, and thereby not feeling worthy. Practice releasing the hold these things have on you and focusing instead on the things you do like about yourself.
Be kind to yourself - your inner critic will rule the roost in this area if you let it. It will remind you of all the reasons you shouldn’t feel worthy. Honestly, it’s just trying to protect you and keep you safe. If you can learn to be kind to yourself in your words and deeds, it makes self-acceptance and thereby worthiness that much easier.
3 - Take Responsibility for Yourself (not others)
When you start to take responsibility for your own thoughts, actions and behaviors, you are stepping into a new level of personal power and agency. You can recognize what you may want to change or adapt over time, but on your terms, not someone else’s. It is a deep understanding that you have power over your own life.
This is coupled by stopping the overfunctioning behaviors that have you taking responsibility for others when they can take responsibility for themselves. You know, when you just do the project yourself because it would take longer to explain it to the other person, or you make excuses for someone’s behavior when they are capable of explaining their behavior themselves? By stepping out of overfunctioning mode, you are giving others the opportunity - and helping them gain the power - to have agency over their own lives, giving yourself more room and energy to take responsibility for yours.
In the end, this becomes a win-win situation where everyone involved gets a dose of self-worth.
“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself—no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are—completely; the good and the bad—and make changes as YOU see fit—not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
So, now it’s your turn. What will be possible when you know you’re worthy?
