Creating Space For You
After a year+ of learning how to work from home with a house full of children in remote learning and partners on work calls, many of us have felt a strong desire for quietude and calm that can happen when there is space and distance between one another. Many of my clients have recently been exuberantly returning their children to summer camps and their partners have returned (at least partially) to their workplaces. And the quiet settles in… until it doesn’t.
In recent conversations, I’ve heard accounts of how “normal life” feels too much now. There was time to be connected to work, loved ones, friends, and themselves for much of the past year. And although there is less time with everyone piled on top of each other inside the home, there is less time and space for them because they are back to shuttling, appointments, and a million other little things that quickly seep into our schedules.
At the start of the pandemic, I ran workshop on how to create space for yourself when everyone is home. I’m sensing it’s a good time for a refresher as we all find ways to transition parts of our lives outside our home.
“Boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not judgments, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors that you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors.”
Setting boundaries is tough for most of us. We want to be there for those we love. We like the feeling of being needed. Until the overwhelm sets in, at least. Here’s the thing… boundaries are good. They’re healthy. They are helpful for both yourself and the other people involved.
Still, they can be hard to implement. Below are five ways you can start to reclaim your personal space in a gentle and loving way.
Start With Clarity
This process starts and ends with you. As much as we would like to put the “blame” for our feelings of overwhelm, frustration and stress on others, the reality is, we are always in choice. We just don’t always act with it.
So, it’s time to get super, duper honest with yourself. What do YOU want or need right now? It’s likely different than what it was six months ago, and will change again in the future. What does the YOU in this moment need or want?
Having clarity about your own needs and desires is key to being able to set and create boundaries that will give you the space you’re craving. Take out your journal and write down a list of things you want or need in your life right now.
Circle those things you think you can’t have because of your responsibilities for others. Now, for the rest of the exercises, let’s focus on how you can inch towards having those things in your life.
Draw It Out
Many of us are visual learners, so this is an exercise to help you visualize what you’re trying to create in your life as you start to develop meaningful and healthy boundaries.
Take out your journal. Draw a circle on the page. Inside the circle, write all the things you need in order to feel complete. What do you need to feel seen, heard and validated in your life?
Anything that doesn’t add to your feeling complete and whole needs to stay outside the circle.
Now you have a place to focus your energy.
Identify Your Fears
What are you afraid will happen if you set boundaries? Go ahead and make a list of all the reasons you are challenged with creating and keeping boundaries.
What bubbles to the top of that list? Take a deep breath and sit with it. Allow yourself to feel all the feels that come up when you really look at the fear. Ask yourself how likely is it to happen on a scale of 1-10. Then ask yourself how would you handle it if this thing happened. Write it out. Identify what you would do if the absolute worst thing would happen.
When we try to operate from a place of fear. we allow our anxieties to inform our behavior and actions. So, instead of running from what you fear most – stop, turn around, and confront it. Once you are able to look at that fear head on, it will no longer control you. You can then start acting from a place where your decisions are based on information you have at that present moment in time.
Challenge Your Guilt
Setting boundaries often leads us to feelings of guilt or selfishness. I have talked with several clients about how setting boundaries will negatively impact others, and how it’s scary to give up control of a situation and wait to see how the other person handles it.
But, you can’t live someone else’s life for them. It’s a gift to step back and let them have their own experiences, even if that means failing.
And, it’s totally possible to be both supportive AND hold onto your boundaries.
Start by challenging yourself to step back and re-evaluate how much control you actually have in the situation.
For example, you really need your baby to go to sleep so you can crank out 1 more hour of work and still get maybe 6 hours of sleep, if you’re lucky. But, she won’t stop crying. How much control do you really have in this situation? The real control comes in by making a choice, and it’s usually around what you are going to feel guilty about.
Trying to do both is only going to lead to more stress, frustration and overwhelm. Are you going to feel worse if you don’t get your work done or don’t attend to your baby?
When you notice these feelings of guilt coming up, step back. Acknowledge the feeling that has come up for you - not for the others involved. Take a deep breath. Then, make a choice. When you stop acting out of guilt, it will no longer have power over you and you can make clear decisions about what feels best to you.
And here’s the added bonus - this is 100% your choice. As long as you and children are not in danger, you get to choose how you handle the situation. It’s no one else’s business what you choose to do.
Set Your Own Rules
I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but you actually get to set your own rules in this lifetime. Yes, I recognize there are times when things are stacked against us and all of the rules outside of ourselves make it that much more challenging to live into our own authenticity. And, it’s still 100% possible to make your own rules for your life.
To get started, you want to make sure your rules are specific and measurable, and something that you can realistically commit to.
For example, if talking with your mother-in-law is draining, you can limit the amount of time you talk with her. Be mindful of your own thoughts and feelings when you are with her, and give yourself permission to walk away or get off the phone if you start feeling overwhelmed.
Start creating rules around when and how you are available to give others help. You can be supportive without involving yourself in finding a solution to their problems. For example, you can respond with, “I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling so frustrated and upset right now. Here’s the name of a career coach who can help you get your resume in order,” instead of “I can’t believe that is happening, of course you can send me your resume and I will help you find a new job.”
It may be uncomfortable to set these rules at first, but it will get easier with time. Your feelings of fear and guilt will decrease the more you practice working with your boundaries. In return, you become more present and supportive.
You can’t take care of other people if you aren’t taking care of yourself. You can’t take care of yourself if you aren’t willing to advocate for your needs. Setting boundaries allows you to help others learn the skills and tools they need to work through their issues on their own. Setting boundaries also allows you to be a more compassionate and caring person, because you’re not operating from a place of depletion all the time.
